Hi.
It’s been a hiatus from blogging once again, and I will commit to something much more doable from now on. No more weekly posts. Not monthly. Time won’t be how I space out blog posts anymore.
Life events/updates/heart-felt thoughts that should be shared would probably be the best way to mark these blog posts. Hopefully it gets a little bit more “raw” and ideally, tough to chew.
To kick it off, this post of assorted yet essential thoughts.
- Update. I find myself explaining this a lot.
Yes. I am still in Sydney. I study business now. I also work part-time.
There is a possibility for me to be here permanently. That is to come, and if this matters to you that much and all that, come chat, I’ll explain in detail. I want to stay in this country.I don’t know all too much about why I am here or why I want to stay in Australia.
The nagging feeling that my time isn’t done here yet just isn’t going away. I have something here to learn still.
There is something for me to offer and bring to the table here in Sydney too. I haven’t quite nailed what it is on the head just yet, but I am determined to find out. - Family.
I am not alone. I sometimes feel lonely. I recognise its more of a personal posture and how I see myself. I’ll be unashamed and vulnerable enough to admit it, I don’t have the best relationship with my family. It’s something I have struggled with.I thought I had family here; in Sydney. I adopted one. Two maybe. Three?
There is no mistake – I have plenty of good friends here. People I am proud to do this journey of life with. I just don’t know all too well where I stand in people’s lives. Am I also perceived as family, that I can be vulnerable to as much as I want these friends to be vulnerable with me? Plagued by insecurity, I’m fighting my way out of this one with the help of very few good friends, and God. I get it. This one is cringy. It’s real though, and this is me.This is where it gets a little tougher to chew.
I loved every bit of working with Church. Every bit. The messy bits included.
I recognised however, that being placed in a position of leadership that I was, changed so much for me. Relationships became a little more complex. I was friends with people, but now their leader. I was one of the boys (or whatever) but also responsible to ensure that everything was in order, and things didn’t get out of hand, that the correct culture was being built, that equipment was being used right, that we were ensuring the standard of how we do things aren’t dropped.
Simpler, sweet and deeper relationships were harder to come by.Keep in mind, these are not all things imposed to me by my job with church, it’s just who I am as a person.
It didn’t help that I was a single, young male adult. I was inexperienced in leadership of a team of such a number. I was passionate (still am) about gender equality in the roles that we hold in church and production. The role I stepped into was way bigger than my current ability (which led me to grow so, so much). But, I was so out of my depth, that to ensure I didn’t fail and drop the ball all the time, my personal life was taking a hit. Social calls were almost always about work or ministry. My relationships with people revolved around rosters, volunteering, and college. Training. Building team, Nothing wrong with any of that, but the balance was OUT OF WHACK.
Now? I’m just adjusting to the fact that I am out of that position. Which is fine by me. I never wanted to hold an affinity to any title or position. I just need family again. Which I forgot how to have.
- I had a really rough day today, which is why I decided to blog.
It was actually so bad, that I ugly cried. Once in church, and another time in front of a dear friend over lunch – JUST so I can get through the day. I wouldn’t have held it together serving tonight if I didn’t get the chance to talk and ugly cry it out before. Christian K. , if you’re reading this, thanks for being a bro.There has been recurring moments in my life, constant weak spots that seem to be under attack by the devil countless times. I almost walked away from a lot this afternoon, but I’m glad I didn’t.
This blog isn’t the best place to talk about number 3.
If you’re family to me, you’ll her about number 3 in person. I just wanted to thank Christian for this.
Thanks for reading.
sound thoughts 